I finished the year with 1,549 tweets all time, with around 300 tweets coming this year. Of those 300-ish tweets, here are my favorites from 2011.

Best One-Liners

1. Cereal for dinner? Life is good.
2. A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish. I asked, “What’s the catch?”
3. If you’re having router problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a switch ain’t one.
4. I want to open a pizza place called “Evil.” On the pizza box it would say “Delivered us from Evil.”
5. Mirror mirror, on the wall. Dresser dresser, on the floor. Light light, on the ceiling. Room room, checklist complete.

Best Observations

1. How do you congratulate the guy who operates the ball on New Year’s Eve? “Way to drop the ball there, Gary.”
2. I think I would drink more smoothies if they were called fruitshakes.
3. The biggest failure of the English language is that the word “palindrome” isn’t one. I propose changing it to “palinilap.”
4. Don’t get me wrong, I love football, but it’d be more exciting if the team names were literal. I’d watch giants play against cowboys.
5. When something is due by COB (“Close of Business”), I think we all agree it really means SONWD (“Start of Next Work Day”).

Best Stories

1. Got a massage at work today. Masseuse said it’s appropriate my name is Drew because I’m more than tense, I’m past tense.
2. The Reds won today! Non-sports fans: do not panic, this has nothing to do with Communism in America.
3. Today is Saturday, so I went for a jog, Da Drew Run Run Run, Da Drew Run Run.
4. Taught improv to a college class today. I think that moves me from amateur fessor to professor.
5. Thanks to being sore from rock climbing, 2 of my co-workers now think I’m weird because they found me stretching in a huddle room.

I tweeted a lot in 2010 (roughly 570 times).  There were a lot of bad ones.  Luckily there were also some I really enjoyed.  Repeated here for your groaning pleasure are my “best” tweets of 2010:

Best Jokes

1. My tailor asked if I needed help trying on a tux. I said “No.” He said “fine, suit yourself.”
2. Who’s #1? According to roman numerals it is I.
3. Hey remember that time we ate those cute pistachios? That was pretty nuts.
4. Just landed in Cincinnati and my ears won’t soda… wait, I’m Cincy again, I can say pop.
5. If I dated a cosmetologist, I’d fight with her just to say “I’m sorry, lets make up.” Then she’d laugh and laugh and all would be well. 

Best Observations

1. Best part about revolving doors? If u go into the wrong building u dont have to make an awkward U turn. Just keep walking til you’re out.
2. “Uniform” should never be singular. Unless there’s at least 2, it’s just “crazy outfit.”
3. I like how the word “subtle” has a ‘b’ in it. It’s there, but it’s subtle.
   AND
   I like that when the word camouflage is said verbally, the ‘u’ is camouflaged with the ‘o’. Well done English.
4. I propose a new rule: meetings can’t last longer than my laptop battery. Or my bladder.
5. I sometimes intentionally hold the door for someone who is a tad too far away just to see them hustle to appreciate my courteous act…

Best Stories

1. I was running late today so I made a sandwich on the subway. Not just ate… made.
2. in a presentation this morning an IM notification popped up on the presenters computer. the friends screenname? bearcuddlers. awesome.
3. JFK to LHR to GTW to GVA to CDG to EDI to LHR to JFK. happy to be back in the NYC.
   AND
   LGA to CVG to CMH to LAS to LAX to JFK. 
4. Sang a song tonight as a pregnant woman. my fetus and I did a duet.
5. Fun last class show, and thoroughly enjoyed the entire 12 weeks. I’ll remember the wall and those bunnies for a long time.